Caring for a loved one during their final months, days, and hours is a heart-wrenching yet profound journey filled with the unexpected, says Dr John Davis. John shares his experience caring for his partner, Rob, through the challenges of terminal cancer.

“When Rob was diagnosed with stage-four oesophageal cancer, our lives changed irrevocably,” John says.

“The referral to palliative care came early, following months of intensive treatment for what we initially thought was an unrelated prostate cancer diagnosis,” he says.

“As his partner, I found myself thrust into the role of full-time carer, navigating a complex health system while trying to provide comfort and stability in an increasingly unstable situation.”

The initial shock of Rob’s diagnosis was overwhelming, says John.

“The doctors were upfront about the grim prognosis,” he says, “but our oncologist was determined to throw everything at the cancer as if it were stage three, not stage four.” This meant Rob underwent simultaneous radiation and chemotherapy, a treatment path John says was extremely taxing on Rob’s body, and an equally as heavy emotional toll for the both of them.

“The thing about cancer is, it’s not just the disease you’re fighting. It’s the unpredictability, the constant roller coaster of emotions. One day things look hopeful, the next they don’t.”

How palliative care helped John in his role as carer

Palliative care was instrumental in helping them ride that roller coaster of unpredictability, says John. “I’m grateful every day that the palliative care team were part of the journey.”

“They helped us navigate the complex emotions and decisions that come with terminal illness.” But they didn’t just provide medical support, says John, “The team offered a level of compassion and understanding I hadn’t anticipated,” he says; not just for Rob but for John as a carer as well.

“One of the first things the team did was send an occupational therapist to assess our home. They made modifications to ensure Rob’s safety as his mobility decreased—adjustments to the front steps, handrails, anything we needed. They provided us with equipment from their well-stocked shed, at no cost to us, which was a huge relief.”

As Rob’s condition worsened, palliative care’s involvement increased. “They were always on hand, coordinating with the district nurses who were equally dedicated.”

It was a network of support that allowed Rob to remain at home, something John says was incredibly important to both of them. “Hospitals, as we learned, aren’t ideal places for the truly sick. They’re noisy, chaotic, and often staffed by people who don’t know your situation. At home, surrounded by familiarity and care, Rob could find some semblance of peace.”

The challenges of caring for a loved one facing the end

Being a career is an all-consuming role, says John. It’s demanding, both physically and emotionally.

“There’s no off switch, no respite from the constant worry.”

It also changes the dynamic of a relationship, he says. “The role of lover and partner gradually shifts to that of nurse and protector.”

“There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t keep up, especially as Rob’s health continued to decline. The fear of him falling or the anxiety over whether I was administering his medications correctly weighed heavily on me. There were half a dozen falls, each one a potential disaster, and the constant worry that the next one would be catastrophic.”

“I lost weight, my sleep patterns were destroyed, and after Rob died, I found myself in a deep emotional hole that took months to climb out of. The experience nearly broke me, but it was a role I was committed to fulfilling.”

It was an overwhelming responsibility, says John, but with the support of the palliative care team he says he found a way to keep going.

“Their advice and care allowed me to keep Rob at home, even when his condition became more critical. They encouraged us to focus on positive moments, to create legacy experiences that Rob could muster the energy for, even in his final months. These moments were not only vital for Rob but for me as well. They provided a sense of purpose and a way to stay connected to the man I loved.”

“Despite the challenges, I wouldn’t have done it any other way,” John says.

How support can help soften the jagged edges

“Looking back, I’m struck by how much the support of the palliative care team meant to us. They made it possible for us to face this terrible time with dignity, to create moments of joy in the midst of sorrow,” he says.

“For that, I will always be grateful.”

 “For anyone facing a similar journey, I would say this: reach out for help early. The earlier you connect with palliative care, the more prepared you’ll be to face what lies ahead. It’s not just about easing the pain of the one you love, but about creating an environment where you can both find some peace and comfort in an otherwise painful process.”

 “The role of a carer isn’t easy, but with the right support, it’s a role that can be fulfilled with love, strength, and dignity.”